Two children, one digger. An adult counts to ten and performs the transfer. Everybody has done it, usually with an audience of other parents, and it does end the noise. What it teaches is thinner than it looks.
From inside, the child learns that possession is decided by whoever is watching, and that a loud enough complaint summons the transfer. Neither is the lesson on the box.
Turn-taking is the version that transfers
The alternative is to let the turn finish. The child holding the digger keeps it until they're done, genuinely done, and the waiting child gets to be told exactly when it ends and what to do meanwhile. It takes longer the first few times. Then it takes much less time than refereeing does.
- Say the rule out loud so it belongs to the room, not to you: Ana has it now. You can have it when she's finished.
- Give the waiting child a job. Holding your hand, choosing what comes next, counting the diggers in the box.
- Tell the holding child that someone is waiting. Most three-year-olds hand it over early once they know, because giving is more fun than being made to give.
- When the turn ends, mark it clearly. Finished. Your turn now.
What to say when it goes wrong anyway
- Instead of
- Say sorry.
- Try
- Look at her face. She's crying. What could help?
- A recited sorry ends the scene. Repair asks them to check the effect of what they did.
- Instead of
- Don't be selfish.
- Try
- You're not finished yet. Tell him: I'm still using it.
- Gives the sentence that ends the grabbing without labelling the child.
- Instead of
- You have to share.
- Try
- This one is yours and stays in your room. Everything on the rug is for everyone.
- Children share more readily once a few things are reliably not up for negotiation.
That last one is worth doing before a playdate rather than during it. Ten minutes of putting the three most precious things somewhere safe removes most of the afternoon's conflict, and it's not indulgence. Adults don't lend out their phone to a visitor either.
