Good job is a reflex. I say it about forty times a day and most of those times I'm not really looking. That's the problem with it: not that it's empty, but where it points.
Tell a child they're clever and you have handed them something to protect. The safest way to stay clever is to only attempt things you already know you can do. Describe what they actually did instead, and the thing worth repeating becomes the effort, which is available again tomorrow.
- Instead of
- Good job!
- Try
- You kept going after it fell over twice.
- Points at the persistence, which they can choose again.
- Instead of
- You're so clever.
- Try
- You worked that one out a completely different way.
- Clever is a fixed thing to defend. A method is a thing to reuse.
- Instead of
- What a beautiful drawing.
- Try
- You used every shade of blue in the box. Tell me about this bit.
- Invites them to talk about their own work rather than wait for your verdict.
- Instead of
- I'm so proud of you.
- Try
- You must be pleased with that.
- Keeps the satisfaction theirs instead of making it a delivery to you.
Describe what you saw. Children can tell the difference between being watched and being rated.
The five-year-old who stops trying
Around this age a lot of children start avoiding anything they might be bad at. Drawing gets abandoned mid-line because it went wrong. New games get declined before the rules are finished. It reads as laziness and is almost always the opposite: a child who has decided that being good at things is part of who they are, and that failing in public threatens it.
The counterweight is unglamorous and slightly humbling. Talk about your own mistakes in front of them, in an ordinary voice, without turning it into a lesson. I got that wrong, I'll do it again. Then let them watch you do it again. That's the whole demonstration.
- Praise the choice, not the outcome: you picked the hard one.
- When something fails, ask what they would change, then let it go.
- Resist fixing their work. A crooked tower they built beats a straight one you rescued.
- Notice things nobody else wouldn'tice. Specific beats enthusiastic.
None of this means banning good job. It means keeping enough real description in the mix that your attention still carries information. A child who believes you're actually looking will show you far more than one who is collecting verdicts.
